The first time I truly felt at home in my body, an unquestioning sense of belonging, was when I entered the world of Somatics. Suddenly, something clicked and I felt okay, for the first time.
From being conditioned that I was too tall, my feet too large, my body too big, there was a dense energy of shame that shadowed over me wherever I went. I kept wanting to be smaller and more petite. I felt like an elephant for the most part, big and clumsy.
Not wanting to take up more space than I already thought I was, I compensated in other ways, by keeping the voice small, thoughts quiet, and expressions restrained. There was a lot of shoving back down and pushing away, and not wanting to have this body or desperately wanting the body to be what it’s not. There was despair and hatred toward the reflection in the mirror. Exercise felt like punishment and food felt like sin. It was a dark and low period of self-loathing.
This became less significant as I grew but it never actually went away, because it was never processed. When I looked in the mirror there had always been a tinge of “ugh” or helplessness. I didn’t know it then, but this quality of being unloveable and undesirable showed up in having terrible, non-existent boundaries in my relationships. There was a fear of saying no, projecting my own terror of rejection, so for the most part, I unconsciously abandoned myself so I wouldn’t be abandoned by others.
And then at 28, I experienced the beautifully raw, unconditional acceptance of Somatics. There was a place for all, a home for all, especially the uglier, shamed, orphan parts of myself. I arrived home! In my body, no less.
I now regard my body as a supportive, alchemical vessel that allows me to do the work I do, and do it well, because of its sensitivity.
Somatics has given me so incredibly much in this life. I’m grateful I get to share this work with others, and lead them into their own inner bodily, homes, too.
If this resonates with you too, do reach out to learn more about Somatic Therapy.
Here, all of your parts are welcome.