“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
- Mary Oliver
Over the past three weeks, I have been on a pilgrimage to the ancient sites of Ireland, by myself. I came to realise how good the body and our being have been at adapting. To the pace that our life demands of us, the presence and energetic output that our roles ask of us, and the physical, mental, emotional capacity that our world requires of us.
It is easy to be swept into a whirlwind of “this needs to be done,” “I have to finish this,” “if I don’t do it, who will?”
Or sometimes, when the people around us have needs that seem bigger or louder than ours, whose voices and opinions are more amplified than ours, whose take precedence, most naturally?
And as we were growing up, if our early environment and our caretakers weren’t able to meet our most basic and primal needs — touch, smile, loving eye gaze, repair after rupture — we naturally develop a shell that serves to take care of our own needs — by suppressing them.
As we grow into adulthood, those of us who had these experiences grow up unaware of our needs. We continue operating from this shell: it’s okay, it’s fine. I’m fine. I can take care of myself. I can handle my own stuff. I can manage my own emotions. No thank you. No, I’m good.
Even if we do know what we need, we may feel resistant, fearful, ashamed of asking for help, or communicating our needs.
Because it was never how we were, relationally.
Including the relationship with ourselves.
What happens then?
An osteopath in Melbourne who felt into my body system shared this with me, and I think it’s a good analogy. The different parts have been asking for help for so long, they’ve given up. They no longer talk to each other, too. They are in brace, in freeze, awaiting the next bad thing.
I’m not sure which systems she was talking about. All of it was what she said, but that doesn’t seem plausible — otherwise, how am I still here and functioning?
But how well was I functioning at that time?
Being in massive survival mode, for decades, unconsciously.
And this is considering how much I love what I do, my life and work flow according to my timing, and I feel so much fulfilment from life.
And yet.
My body was telling a completely different story.
And I don’t think that I am the only one.
Our bodies remember all.
Every experience, every fright, argument, tension.
That hasn’t yet been dissipated.
Most likely in protective, frozen, self-preservation mode within us.
This is my working theory of why I have been crying so much on this pilgrimage. At each sacred site, stone circle, ancient tree, waterfall, scenic drive, I burst into tears — with no emotion, no story.
It is that now, finally alone, for an extended time, out of a known or conditioned place, setting, landscape. A completely new land that has been warm (emotionally, not literally) and welcoming, my body is slowly learning it is safe to thaw. To release a bit of brace at a time.
And perhaps the crying is a sense of great relief?
That finally, no more eggshells.
No more risk of being dismissed, disregarded, rejected, abandoned, unloved.
No more needing to accommodate another.
No more leaving myself.
There might be an overwhelming grief for all the lost time up until this moment. Where I’ve left myself, to be safe relationally.
When this realisation dawned upon me,
I clutched my heart and whispered,
“I’m here now.
I’m right here.
I’m going to always be here.
From here on out
It’s you and me.
People can come and go,
But at the very core,
It’s you and me,
Me and you,
All the way.”
The heartache was so visceral.
Of having had the experience of self-abandonment.
The very slow, shaking question of
“Can I trust you?”
We’ll just have to see.
Each day, each moment, holds the opportunity to vow, to promise, to intend, over and over again.
To return to me.
To return to self.
To return home.
Back to my little love.
The one who has always been right here,
within.
It has been a pilgrimage across the lands of Ireland,
And deep within the labyrinth of my psyche.
Remembering different parts.
Listening to them.
Staying long enough with the silence.
Until the quietest whisper emerges.
Telling me what they need or want from me.
And to meet them.
Consistently.
Steadily.
Always.
This is what I plan to do with my one wild and precious life.
To continue knowing myself. Bringing out the orphans from the caves inside of me.
To keep listening.
Listening.
Listening.
And while I’m at it, to live the most truthful life I possibly can.
To work the courage, to strengthen the faith, to do what I need to do, so that I can take right action to be so true to myself, in the most integrated way possible, where no part gets left behind.
No one gets left behind.
If this is something you are interested in doing as well, let’s do it together?
Here’s how.
FOR YOU MY LITTLE LOVE
1–4 NOV, UBUD
Four days of deep time with our little love.
Together, and also individually.
Whilst exploring some of my favourite offerings and activities in Ubud,
And also intimate containers in the villa of art, movement, council, song, dance.
4 spots left.$2900 — all inclusive except flight.Learn more here:
For more personal 1:1 work with me:
Somatic Alchemy — a co-exploration of your body as the living landscape of your psyche. To thaw the frozen, braced parts within. To release from inner shackles and live your most abundant, magical life that you've not dared to dream of.
Cosmic Conversation — a deeply penetrative soul reading, to learn what it is your soul wants you to know now, so that you can then take right action into your path of alignment.
Frequency and Voice Medicine — to mobilise and free stuck, trapped, stagnant energies, to remember the deepest truth of who you are, and again to take right action and live as this conscious and awake being.
For the months of Sept and Oct, all sessions are pay in truth.
You decide the value you bring to the session, and I will meet you there.
Reminder: this isn’t pay the cheapest, or pay under what you know your worth and value is, and come to the session feeling ashamed about it. Feel into your body, your bones. Feel into a number, a value. And pay with conviction.
All bookings can be made here:
All sessions held on Zoom.
I look forward to walking together with you, gently traversing the landscape of our one wild and precious life.
All my love,
Stephanie
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